


Someday This Pain Will Be Worth It, Right?

by flarrow_bitches (MaybeImToBlame)



Category: Arrow (TV 2012), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Sad, Unrequited Love, angry!Barry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-20 17:03:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6017698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaybeImToBlame/pseuds/flarrow_bitches
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He would never love him like he wanted him to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Someday This Pain Will Be Worth It, Right?

**Author's Note:**

> So. I just got broken up with on Valentine’s Day, and now I’m feeling bitter and sad, and when I’m bitter and sad I write angst gems like this one. I hope it breaks your heart.  
> *smiles*

No one would love him. Not the way he wanted them to. And he’d just have to face that fact. He needed to just become content with living a life alone with his right hand for company and his good deeds as The Flash as enough validation for his pride. He needed to stop giving his heart to people… all it lead to was an immense amount of heartbreak, and he didn’t know how much more of it he could take. Patty, she’d been great, but in the end, even she’d chosen something else besides him. And yes, he wasn’t as petty as to blame it all on her, because he knew that this time the heartache was of his own doing as well. He hadn’t been willing to say the words that she’d wanted to hear, but they both knew the truth, and she still had left. And even if she had stayed, how long would she have really stayed around? She’d probably have been ripped from his grip as well by some unseen force, everything good in his life had been. And he knew that this time things would be no different. Especially considering who it was he had his eye on.

 

Oliver had been yelling at him again for being careless, but Barry hadn’t been paying much attention. He’d gotten distracted yet again by Oliver’s plump salmon colored lips. God. This crush was ridiculous. Oliver wasn’t even remotely gay, or bi, as far as he knew, and he obviously had a thing for Felicity. Barry felt bad about it all. He knew that even if by some crazy miracle and Oliver did like him back, things wouldn’t work out for them. And hell, who was he kidding, Oliver could do so much better than Barry, why would he like him anyway? This whole situation was downright shitty, he liked Felicity, she was a great friend and he knew that the two of them would be good for each other. He knew Felicity could give Oliver things that Barry couldn’t. Things that Oliver desperately needed, like stability, she could be Oliver’s rock. She’d always be there for him to come home to, Barry couldn’t say the same for himself. Fighting crime was dangerous and he never knew if he’d get out of situations alive, even when he was at his most confident when fighting someone, there was always that lingering doubt that he was still partially human, and he wasn’t invincible. Barry couldn’t even confidently promise if he were in a relationship with someone that he could be counted on, there were times when he’d have to cancel, be late, and even lie, if it meant keeping them out of danger. Barry would never get his happy ending and he was starting to accept that fact, yet that still didn’t stop him from surging forward and planting a hard, hot, desperate kiss on the lips that had haunted his dreams for over a year now. 

 

Oliver’s lips were soft, the stubble on his jawline felt divine underneath Barry’s fingers as he stroked at it, trying to deepen the kiss. Oliver wasn’t having it though, shocked, he pushed Barry off of him rather harshly, causing him to stumble backwards. Barry’s eyes widened when he realized what he’d done. He opened his mouth to start apologizing but Oliver beat him to it,

 

“Barry! What the fuck was that? Were you even listening to me?!”

 

“I-I-I…” Barry trailed off. “I’m so sorry… I wasn’t… no… I wasn’t listening… and I know you’d never like me like that… no one will… I just couldn’t help myself… I’m sorry. I really am. I’m just going to go now. Sorry.” He stuttered out, turning and getting ready to speed away when Oliver grabbed his wrist tightly, turning him back around.

 

“Barry, I’m sorry, that came out wrong…” Oliver took a moment to look at Barry. The kid looked like hell. His eyes had dark bags under them and they also looked a bit misty. He looked tired, and worn out, and completely dejected. “God Barry, I don’t get why I didn’t notice before, but you look like hell. I told you, you could always talk to me about anything… come inside… I insist.” Oliver told him, taking him by the arm and leading him back inside, downstairs, and into the loft. Barry walked along with a lifeless manner. He was tired. He wanted to go back to Central and sleep for days, all the pent up energy he had left had dissipated in the face of that kiss. The look on Oliver’s face when he’d pushed him away had told him all he needed to know. Oliver didn’t like him… not the way that Barry wanted him to and he never would. Barry wasn’t very keen on spending any more time in the man’s space than necessary after that but Oliver’s insistence wasn’t something Barry could rudely shake off, it wasn’t how he was raised.

 

“Sit.” Oliver told him when he brought him over to the couch. Barry did so. His mind was blank. He wanted to run. Wanted to get out of here. He didn’t give a fuck about whatever Oliver had to say. He didn’t want to talk, no amount of talking would ever make him feel better. Oliver left for a moment and Barry considered running, but when he moved his leg to try he realized how much his body truly was aching at the moment, and he didn’t have the energy. His cowl was down, and his suit was thin, the temperature outside was below freezing, and he felt himself involuntarily shivering from having stood on the roof for so long earlier. Oliver came back into the room, his hood down, arrows out of sight, a water bottle and a plate with two hot pockets in hand, he hadn’t even heard the microwave running.

 

“Eat.” Oliver said.

 

Barry took the food and the water without a word. Oliver sat next to him and waited in silence as Barry scarfed down the first hot pocket and then began to do the same to the second, stopping when he was halfway through and beginning to eat more slowly. Barry uncapped the bottle of water and took a long swig, his throat visibly bobbing as he gulped the water down. He recapped the bottle and placed it on the table in front of him. Barry hadn’t looked at him since they’d entered the loft and Oliver’s mind was buzzing. He was trying to make since of all of Barry’s recent actions. The screw up with the mission, the kiss, his apparent disoriented state, and the words that Barry had stuttered out before almost leaving. _“I know you’d never like me like that… no one will… I just couldn’t help myself… I’m sorry.”_ God, was that how the kid really felt? Who had told him that? That was beyond fucked up. Sure, it was true, Oliver didn’t like him like that… but no one ever loving him? What kind of bullshit was that? Barry was fucking amazing, anyone would be lucky to have him.

 

"Barry?" Oliver spoke finally, Barry jumped slightly, and Oliver quietly apologized, saying that he didn’t mean to startle him.

 

“I’m sorry for pushing you so hard out there… I didn’t mean to be so rough. And my reaction was horribly rude, I’m really sorry… I mean it. But what’s going on? What brought all of this on?” Oliver asked. Barry didn’t speak. He just continued to nibble on the half of the hot pocket that was still left. He slowly lifted his shoulders in a shrug.

 

“Barry… please… talk to me, I want to help you.”

 

“There’s nothing you can do to help me… you already made it clear that you can’t give me what I need.”

                                                   

“What do you need?” Oliver asked dumbly, Barry gave him a pointed look. Yet Oliver just quirked an eyebrow, God, Oliver was a smart guy, but like most humans, he could also be pretty fucking stupid at times. Barry leaned in, just to be sure, once more, and as he expected, Oliver came to his senses,

                                                                                                                                      

“Oh! Oh… that… yeah… sorry. I don’t know why that didn’t click. But um… yeah… I’m sorry… I can’t give you that.” Said Oliver. Barry nodded, turning back in on himself and hugging himself with his own arms. Just wanting to disappear.

 

“Barry…”

 

“No… Oliver don’t… just don’t say anything. I don’t want to hear another apology. That’s all I ever hear are apologies. I’m sick and tired of apologies. “I’m sorry you got struck by lightning,” “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel that way about you,” “I’m sorry that your mother died,” “I’m sorry but Wally’s coming over we’ll have to do something later son” Barry did an imitation of Joe’s voice, “I’m sorry but Eddie and I already planned something,” “I’m sorry but I’m going out with Lisa fucking Snart,”  “I’m sorry but I’ve got to run these tests…” “All I fucking hear is I’m sorry these days. Nobody wants anything to do with me unless I’m saving the fucking city. I know the whole Patty thing was my own fault, but now there’s nothing I can do about it and I hate myself. I hate myself for it, but it wouldn’t have worked out anyway because no one can love me. I’ve never been all that appealing to begin with but now I’m literally unlovable now that I am what I am. I get it. You don’t have to apologize.” Barry said. Words being spat out of his mouth in anger as contradicting tears of sadness began to make their way down his face.

 

“Barry I love you…” Oliver said. Barry looked at him with a hard glare. If Oliver thought this was a joke, he was wrong, this was not a fucking joke. “I’m just not in love with you.” He finished, and Barry went back to looking down at his lap and trying to will the rest of the tears down. “And that’s the dumbest bullshit I’ve ever heart, you not being a catch? You’re funny, you’re kind, smart, caring, attentive, and certainly not ugly. You’ll find someone someday who loves you, for all that you are. Even the part of you that is The Flash.”

 

“I don’t know how much longer I can wait.” Barry said quietly, “I keep meeting new people… and I keep falling for people… and every time… every time so far… it never… it never works out. They don’t love me back. I spent over half of my life in love with my best friend… and now she’s married. I’ve finally managed to let her go, and with everyone I’ve been vaguely interested in sense… it’s never worked out. Linda, Felicity, Leonard, Mark… and even with Patty, she could’ve stayed, she and I both knew I was the Flash… even if I couldn’t say it out loud. If she’d truly loved me… She would’ve stayed. And I would’ve eventually told her. It might not have been fair to make her wait, and it wasn’t fair for me to keep lying to her… but if she truly had cared… she would’ve stayed.” Barry stopped to catch his breath. “I can’t take any more of this.” Barry said. His breaths coming out in ragged pants as he squeezed his eyes shut, his efforts to keep the tears at bay once again, were futile and a few of them finally slipped down his cheeks, retracing the trails of the earlier tears. Oliver felt his own heart twist painfully in his chest at the sight before him. Knowing Barry was in this much emotional pain caused him to feel sick himself. He just wanted to help, and that’s why he did what he did next. He pulled Barry’s hands away from his face, and lifted his chin, their eyes met momentarily before their lips did the same. Both of their eyes closed automatically when their lips met, and Barry desperately drank in all that Oliver was giving him like a man dying of thirst. Barry continued to kiss him, their lips only parting momentarily for quick gaps of oxygen, before Barry began to push him backwards onto the couch… Barry fisted his hands into the material of Oliver’s jacket. His needy whimpers were being muted as Oliver sucked his tongue into his mouth. Practically devouring him, Oliver had no clue what he was doing. He’d completely forgotten it was Barry he was kissing, his mindset having gone back to the days of bedding countless strangers, who were often in the same situation as him, just wanting to just forget about their own struggles and pain for a while and make each other feel good. A moan of his name brought him back to the present though.

 

“Oliver…” The voice was quiet, strained, and familiar. Oliver’s eyes snapped open and he remembered where he was, Barry’s mouth still attached to his as he kissed the younger man back. This wasn’t right… what the hell had he been thinking? This wasn’t how he should try to help him. Barry came to him begging for love, and Oliver had wanted to give it to him… had wanted to make the younger man’s heart stop aching for a little while… but he knew in the long run if things went any farther, the younger man would only be wrecked farther in the aftermath. Barry began to come to his own senses as well as he felt Oliver stop kissing him. Barry was rock hard in his suit, but he could noticeably tell that Oliver wasn’t feeling the same way… what was going on? Was he just doing this because he thought it would make Barry feel better? If so… then it wasn’t working. In fact… Barry felt shittier than he had in the first place. He pulled away. Shaking his head.

 

“Barry…” Oliver said.

 

“No… Oliver it’s okay… I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have said anything… you’re a good _friend_ … I know you were only trying to help… but that’s all I’ll ever be to you… a _friend._ And so I can’t do this… even if it will fool me for a while and make me feel okay… which I desperately need… it’ll only proceed to kill me in the end... push me over that final ledge.”

 

“Barry… I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have…”

 

“It’s okay.” Barry said. “I understand what you were doing, and I do appreciate it. But if it’s not mutual… I don’t want it to happen.” Barry stood up and put his cowl on before speeding out of the loft and not looking back, even as he heard Oliver’s cries of his name, asking him to wait. Once Barry got onto the streets he didn’t stop. His heart was pounding in his chest. Every muscle in his body was screaming at him to stop and rest for the night but he liked the pain right now…It made him feel like he was still alive, despite the fact that he felt empty and dead inside. No one would ever fill the void, and he’d just have to learn to be contempt with that fact. Someday he knew he would be… he just had to be… this couldn’t be how he was destined to live the rest of his life.

**Author's Note:**

> I feel so much better now. I love just pouring all my self-pity, anger, and hate into other characters. I’m a bitch like that. Leave a comment if you’re a masochist as well and you loved how much this story broke your heart.


End file.
